i sux

So I'm back to my pattern. Gotta get out of this. I said I'd go to bed early yet here I am nearing 2 a.m. and not at all ready to go to sleep.

This week, the 17th will mark 20 yrs since I have seen my brother. I can not even grasp that completely. Typical at times it like a million years. I feel sad to think and say it but it's true I remember him but not as clearly. I feel at times I can't remember his voice. I remember what he looked like, I remember his goofy faces, back in the day of Billy Idol and that lip deal. I remember laughing so hard as he would try to do it. Boys! I love my brother so much. I miss him more then my words can ever tell. I never thought I'd have to live a day without him moreless 20 yrs worth. I was so different then, so different til that day. I was so carefree, careless. I was a bit of a wild child, no real shocker for most. I just figured I worked while going to school so my days off should be what I wanted them to be, no big limits. I kept my parents request to be good for the most part I was. I was just full of mischief. Being the youngest of four a lot was hidden from me, cause "I was so little to see or do". So I guess that's part of where all it came from. Though we had deaths in our family it was usually someone old-older. I had friends who passed a cousin who was hit and killed hours after I saw him while he was walking home was one of the toughest things I had to deal with, that was in tenth grade. Which also was the year my brother ran away with his then girlfriend turned wife. I thought that was tough. We didn't know where he was for about three-four months. Another long story. I still remember that night. I didn't have to work til closing for a change. A friend of mine came to pick me up. I didn't want to be out to late the next day brought more work a full day so I thought to just head up to the Avenue we'd see if anyone was out. We hung out for awhile but it was boring so I asked my friend to just drop me off. I kinda think it was only around 9:30. When we pulled to my house already it was odd, my grandfather was there and my parents car wasn't. He asked should I stay and I thought nah it should be okay see ya tomorrow kinda thing. My sister came up to me in the driveway and I asked what's up where are mom and dad she said at the hospital. She then drop a bombshell on me saying my brother had taken his life, he was gone. They had to go to offically ID his body. I wanted to just pass out. I remember slapping my sister across her face calling her a foul name and telling her that was the most f-ed up thing she could ever do. She knew out of my two sister my brother and I were tops with each other growing up. I loved him so much. He always played with me when they wouldn't. He would go for bike rides whatever. He was a few years older but still did for me. I walked into the house my grandfather said well did your sister tell you I said yes but I need a minute. I went upstairs I thought no way. I called the guy I was seeing at the time. I didn't want to be alone, not with my family either, so I asked him if he could come over and sit with me. HA! He said no he was tired and he would just see me tomorrow, needless to say that wasn't even going to be a thought. I called the friend I was with that night, he wasn't even home yet his mom said oh here he is she put him on the phone and I told him please come back, please come back he just hung up and did just that. While the uhh so called BF called me back saying are your serious or are you just joking. Yah that's something to joke about. I told him to just forget it and just go. I remember sitting outside for awhile with my friend, my grandfather came out it was all just a big blur. I went to my room before my parents got home, I didn't want to still admit he was gone, knowing if I saw my dad's face would make it real I hid. I remember my mom came home and didn't come up to my room she just shut off the lights. It was a horrible night. I screamed it to my pillow for hours crying so hard. Pleading to God this was just a dream to wake me up. This wasn't right. He had a son but he also had another son on the way yet. He didn't even get to meet him yet. He was getting clean, he was trying so hard to be right again. Shame on me I hid out to the point I didn't even go to my brothers funeral. I hid out with some friends, I cried the entire time. I just couldn't do it. To see my dad cry. To know that I couldn't at even one ounce hold it together. To know that his real mom, who had been so mean to him, would be there doing all she could to be the "victim" I just couldn't. It was no place for a fight and I just didn't trust myself. I still regret not going. But I can not turn back the clock cause if I could I would redo that day. That my mom got to his house earlier. To save him. Instead of being there to call the cops to see them find him. I miss him so much. I am going out to his grave and I wonder if anyone else will. I don't care though I will be there. My girls see pics of him and that's okay but can't stand the fact the most they know of him is that headstone with his name on it.
Michael I miss you so much. I wish so badly you were here with us. That you could see what an awesome Father your namesake is. What a great chef your other son is becoming. We love you and we will NEVER forget you. I LOVE YOU. I know your with g-pop and Dad. I  know he was so happy to see you again, he missed you so much too. I saw his heart break the day you left us, he was never the same. None of us were/are. I pray that you are playing Uncle to my Son until I am called home to be with you all. Be with us.

I thank the Lord for giving us all a beautiful place for peace. Knowing that we will see each other again one sweet day is another gift he has given to us. Knowing that during times like this when we are hurting, confused and feeling lost he will guide us back around, he will comfort us through, he will clear our minds. There is so much good in our lives, so much to be thankful for. For the times we did have. Thanks be to God.

Well it's been awhile. I am more of a myspace kinda girl as of the past year, well just about. I have met a lot of really great people there. As I did here too. I'm sorry for those I just fell apart on. I know someone had written me about it. Saying how it was sad that I just left like I did. I did and I had reasons. I still miss a buddy that I met on here. He has been gone a bit over a year now. I still miss his comments and his witty charm. He was great to talk to, about anything. He and I had many talks on religion. I am happy for him. He found his faith again just months before the Lord called him home. He told me once that it was our conversations, what I wrote sometimes that made him take that second look at things, made him see just what his life was missing. I find a lot of peace in that. I know that he did too, and when the Lord called him I'm sure he knew it was surely with a purpose that he found his way as he did. We didn't talk in big fancy ways. Just as I normally do, as I would rather it be. Just as I am. How you hear me in these words here. I am not out to be fake I am who I am take it or leave it.

As I had to figure out my password to login tonight. I was surprised by an email from another old friend. One who I haven't spoken to in over a year. Kinda odd. That I was thinking of one I lost and got a message from one I let go. I really don't know what to do. I am wondering if it is a meant to be thing that it happened as it did tonight. Or just by chance it happened. It wasn't because of her so much why we parted. I really liked hanging out with her we had good times, laughed pretty much all the time we were together. It's just some others get in the way. You know how sometimes people come with extra baggage. She wants to hang out again. She misses me and my girls so very much she says. She told me of how she finds herself crying knowing she is missing out on our lives. She is a nice person it's not at all like that. But some of the people that come with her I want nothing at all to do with. And maybe it is selfish but I do not want them to know nothing of our lives. Nothing about my girls. It's a long story. But I don't want to be friends with people like that. I got put in spots and got caught up in drama and high school type situations and I just don't want that. I don't want to be used or anything. I feel bad but in ways I fear if I let her back in what will happen. Either she will get treated like crap or they will then try to work their way back in. OH NO! I would not allow that. I can't. Uhh. I just am not one to hurt people like that. I know of the past and yes it was for sure a good with the bad kind of thing. I wished her well and all.

Other then that we are all well. We had a Merry Christmas and the New Year came in with yawns and goodnights, lol. I pulled muscles and so I was in pain and didn't really care about being up. But our girls wanted us up til midnight so I fought through for them. And laughed after saying Happy New Year girls. Give me a kiss okay time for bed, lol. They didn't find it funny. And it got worse when they realized I was serious. They were like that's it. Yup! Sorry girls I love ya, but I love ya even better when your well rested and ready to face the day.

I hope everyone has been well. I thank those of you who emailed me through the times. It was so sweet. And yes I will try to do better. Maybe now that I know my password I can get here more. God Bless all of you.

Peace,
k  

We have lost another. Heaven's newest Angel Mila. She is a beautiful little girl who fought with smiles as much as she could. She was so brave. We love you Mila always and forever. Please lend her and her Mom a prayer or more. I have more information on Mila and Andi please read on. I know it's a lot. But Andi does have dreams to help other moms that find themselves in the situation she has been in. She wants to show them there is help out there, there is some one who care, how to make it all the best it can be. Truly what God would want us all to do. Instead of holding anger, hold another to get through their time in need. Here is how Andi opens up her story of her precious Mila.

WWW.HELPMILA.COM To all that come to my page, I thank you. I am Andi Brenay and I am the Mother of Mila. Mila is 2 years old and was diagnosed with a Terminal Brainstem Glioma Astrocytoma Tumor on September 6th at Phoenix Childrens Hospital. It is inoperable, and because of her age untreatable or treatable with risks to high to take. I remember the feeling of watching a Doctor kneel at my feet with tears in his eyes only to deliver what would be life changing news about my precious little girl. From the moment Mila was born, until the moment she goes back home I have been honored to be her Mother. I belive with all my heart she picked me, and we knew that the moment we saw each other. I share with you her story of courage, grace, and love. I also share with you my story of Faith, to know the plan of salvation is being put into effect and I will hold strong to the gospel. I hope you will see the beauty that she is, the pure love of Christ that shows through her.I welcome you to be a part of our lives, and stay with us always on this journey. Mila, I am proud of you. You have been my shining star. When you leave this earthly world, I hope to one day stand before you again and you will be proud to say "That is my Mommy....I have missed her." I promise to follow in your footsteps here. I will live in your love. I will shine with your spirit. I love you my Little Child. This song I leave for you~~You are my sunshine....my only sunshine....you make me happy, when skies are grey...you will never know dear, how much I love you....Please don't take my sunshine away.....

Mila's Mother Andi has a dream. We are trying to see if you can't help that dream come true. Won't'cha join us!

Help Andi's dream come true. Help her pay it forward for other Mom's that are going through all she has. These are her wishes to honor Mila's life. Come on and help us Email Ellen til she responds to us. Tell her the truth of how special Andi is. What a great Mom she is. Just tell her what you see in her and Mila.

We can do this for her, for Mila. A lot of us have been trying. But for those who haven't no day like today to start in helping us bring a smile to her face again in the future while honoring Mila.

Email like crazy!!!
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/show/dearellen


Make sure you repost this for us too. Spreading the word and getting others to help would be so great.

I thank you all in advance. We can do this!!!

Here is where you can view Andi and Mila's myspace so you can see who we are speaking of and read even more. http://www.myspace.com/andiwuvsmila 

A friend of mine lost her son today. I'd like to ask you to lend this family some prayers. I'm so sad and heartbroken but nothing can compare to what his parents are going through. It wasn't ever easy for them.

This was written by his mommy

Porter Jackson Earle became an angel today. He passed away silently in his mommy and daddys arms at 2:42pm.

He was the most special little boy I have ever met, and I will love him until the day I die. We listened to a CD that John Michael's mom gave to us as he passed away. As with all things, Porter did this his way, and in a way that was a gift to us because we didnt have to make the decision of when to let him go.

I will let you all know about arraingements when I know more.

I thank you all for your prayers and love.

Mommy is Abby Daddy is Kevin they are a young couple just 23 yrs old. Porter didn't ever get to go home. He fought everyday of his little life.

Porter Jackson Earle, was born December 22, 2006. At one day old Porter started having trouble breathing. By two days old he was shipped to Fletcher Allen where he was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. That evening he was airlifted to Childrens Hospital Boston, and that was where we spent our first Christmas as a family. Porter had his first surgery at one week old to try and repair his heart. After the surgery he was put on life support, ECMO. By two weeks old he had to have a second surgery to repair a leaky valve and narrowed aorta. Before he was three weeks old it had been determined that his heart would not function properly and that he needed a heart transplant and on Jan 11th he received a heart transplant.

A Mothers wish that will never be. By Abby,  I just can't wait to hold my baby, and bring him home. I know so many people out there are praying for us and keeping us in their thoughts and helping in any way they can and for that we can never thank you enough. This has been a horrible way to start our life together, but I know it will only make us all stronger. My son is the most special, strong little boy in the whole world. He is my hero. He is my reason for living. He is my everything.
We prayed for Porter from day one. And it at the very least gave them four months together. We thank God for ending his most courageous battle. He fought tough and never let up even when they told him two weeks ago he'd only live another hour. He didn't want anyone to tell him how, when or what. He knew what he had to do and in his own time he would do what he felt was right. Including going home to be with the Lord.

Porter hunnie we forever remember you and love you. RIP sweet lil man. Forever and ever Peace is yours once again. Your were so brave and strong. But baby you need not fight anymore. God Bless You.